“Molly,

Your labs are stable. A1c is just slightly higher.”

This was the ultra-concise memo that my endocrinologist sent me post-appointment.

Nothing about this note was shocking, but somehow I’d deluded myself into thinking that my doctor’s analysis of my diabetes management in the last six months would be…I don’t know, a little more personal? Maybe contain congratulatory sentiments or words of encouragement?

After all, I’d told her during our appointment that while I didn’t have any specific diabetes concerns to discuss, I did have a strong desire to improve my management. I know that I’m doing better than I was, say, at the age of 18 or 19, but as I grow older I become more acutely aware of the things that I could improve upon with my diabetes care. I acknowledge and accept that it’s up to me to be accountable for taking steps towards progress, yet I do rely on the input from my healthcare team in order to come up with realistic ways for me to make said progress. So naturally, I felt a slight tinge of disappointment when we discussed and agreed on a single, minor tweak to my basal and bolus settings before parting ways, with plans to see one another again in six months.

I couldn’t help but feel…that’s it? That’s all that I got out of this appointment? I suppose I’m feeling a bit jaded about it because it was my first time seeing my endocrinologist in about a year, since she had an extended leave of absence. In the time since I last saw her, I’d had a couple of appointments with the nurse practitioner who she allegedly works closely with, and I guess I had assumed that the NP would update my doctor on how I’m more determined than ever to take steps to achieve more time in range.

Now, I realize more than ever that I can only rely on myself to convey my thoughts and feelings about my diabetes to my healthcare team. Now, I realize that while my labs indicate my diabetes “stability”, my attitude towards my diabetes is the opposite.

I’m calling it…unsteadily stable. I’m doing fine with my diabetes, but I know that I am capable of doing better and feel like the path there will be a bumpy one.

Another way of putting it? I’m like one of those children’s roly-poly toys – I’m a little wobbly in terms of the goals I have for my diabetes management, but I certainly won’t let it cause me to fall down.