Unsteadily Stable

“Molly,

Your labs are stable. A1c is just slightly higher.”

This was the ultra-concise memo that my endocrinologist sent me post-appointment.

Nothing about this note was shocking, but somehow I’d deluded myself into thinking that my doctor’s analysis of my diabetes management in the last six months would be…I don’t know, a little more personal? Maybe contain congratulatory sentiments or words of encouragement?

Words of encouragement may have been more helpful in getting me to tip the scale and feel steadier about my diabetes management…

After all, I’d told her during our appointment that while I didn’t have any specific diabetes concerns to discuss, I did have a strong desire to improve my management. I know that I’m doing better than I was, say, at the age of 18 or 19, but as I grow older I become more acutely aware of the things that I could improve upon with my diabetes care. I acknowledge and accept that it’s up to me to be accountable for taking steps towards progress, yet I do rely on the input from my healthcare team in order to come up with realistic ways for me to make said progress. So naturally, I felt a slight tinge of disappointment when we discussed and agreed on a single, minor tweak to my basal and bolus settings before parting ways, with plans to see one another again in six months.

I couldn’t help but feel…that’s it? That’s all that I got out of this appointment? I suppose I’m feeling a bit jaded about it because it was my first time seeing my endocrinologist in about a year, since she had an extended leave of absence. In the time since I last saw her, I’d had a couple of appointments with the nurse practitioner who she allegedly works closely with, and I guess I had assumed that the NP would update my doctor on how I’m more determined than ever to take steps to achieve more time in range.

Now, I realize more than ever that I can only rely on myself to convey my thoughts and feelings about my diabetes to my healthcare team. Now, I realize that while my labs indicate my diabetes “stability”, my attitude towards my diabetes is the opposite.

I’m calling it…unsteadily stable. I’m doing fine with my diabetes, but I know that I am capable of doing better and feel like the path there will be a bumpy one.

Another way of putting it? I’m like one of those children’s roly-poly toys – I’m a little wobbly in terms of the goals I have for my diabetes management, but I certainly won’t let it cause me to fall down.