Category: personal

I Said Something Very Messed Up About My Diabetes…

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You’re looking at the title of this blog post and thinking…”ugh, clickbait!”

I assure you that I’m not trying to present this as clickbait; in reality, I did recently say something extremely messed up about my diabetes.

I didn’t 100% mean what I said…

In a dramatic outburst spurred by three days of frustratingly high blood sugars, I said to my parents, “I’m going to die of diabetes.“

Look…we all say things that we don’t mean sometimes. But when I said this, there was a teensy-weensy piece of me that really believed there was an ounce of truth in that statement. That’s how fed-up I was with my diabetes.

It’s because I was going through insulin like crazy in the first half of that week. I couldn’t figure out why my numbers were running so high and tried what seemed like everything to cope with it: eating low carb, running temp basal increases, doubling my mealtime insulin, staying as hydrated as possible, checking ketones…and I was still contending with high numbers. The longer I stayed above my high threshold on my CGM, the more I convinced myself I was doing damage to my body, and that was an incredibly awful feeling. So I made that horrid exclamation out of sheer exasperation and fear.

I was letting my diabetes win that day.

I was letting my diabetes control the narrative.

I was letting my diabetes make me think that I was doing everything wrong, when in reality I was trying like hell to do everything right.

And…I was letting myself down. That defeatist attitude is not how I approach life with diabetes.

But I said what I said, and I can’t take it back…but I absolutely can change my thinking so that when something like this happens again, and I’m just feeling incredibly burnt out from it all, I have a new thing to say that is far from messed up:

I’m going to LIVE WITH diabetes.

Not just live…I’m going to live well with diabetes.

“You’re Being Too Paranoid”

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They didn’t say that to me, but they didn’t have to…it was written in bold all over their faces.

Recently, I dined outside with people who are close to me (I’m not going into specifics as to who exactly they were to maintain some level of discretion). I was explaining to them that come the winter season, I probably won’t be dining out much out of COVID concerns.

I wish people would spend less time judging others and more time taking the proper precautions to help protect themselves and their loved ones.

I’m just not ready to dine indoors yet. In fact, since March, I’ve only set foot into a physical store, dwelling, or other establishment a dozen times. For me, the risk associated with spending time inside when it’s completely avoidable just isn’t worth it.

But what sucks about this is the judgment I receive from others. Just like I did in this scenario, the looks on their faces make me feel like I have to defend myself. I wanted to scream at them, “you try having a chronic illness and dealing with it during a global pandemic!”…but of course, I’d never do such a thing, and I’m very glad that they don’t have to worry about that.

I do wish, though, that they – as well as other people who are quick to judge individuals like me who are scared and overly cautious these days – would use a little more grace and humility when conversing with those of us who are high risk.

Please try to put yourself in my shoes.

Please understand that not only am I considered high risk, but I’m in direct contact with loved ones who are also considered high risk.

Please know that, yes, I do have a desire – a very strong one – to get back out there and do “normal” things.

But think about the things holding me back…a chronic condition that requires a lot of my time and energy, for starters.

And think about how there are millions of other people like me who share this great responsibility for an underlying health condition that they didn’t ask for on top of a great fear.

I hope it changes your perspective.

National Diabetes Awareness Month is Right Around the Corner

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November is National Diabetes Awareness Month!

…And I am NOT! READY! FOR! IT! AT ALLLLLLLLLL!

I can’t be the only one in the diabetes online community who is feeling apathetic (at best) for a month that I’m normally thrilled to celebrate. After all, I love being a diabetes advocate!

But this year…the mere prospect of it just feels like it’s a little much.

National Diabetes Awareness Month 2020 is happening soon…how can this be? Aren’t we still in March 2020?!?!

It’s a little much in a year in which the world is facing a pandemic.

It’s a little much when potentially the most important U.S. presidential election in history is also happening this month.

It’s a little much when I’m dealing with a HELLUVA lot of other things in my personal life – mostly good things, but ones that happen to be highly stressful.

It’s just…when I think of it…how can I approach this National Diabetes Awareness Month with all the enthusiasm that I’ve showed it in past Novembers?

I don’t know how to answer that question right now, but I do suspect that I’ll muster up some of my advocacy spirit once I start seeing posts and prompts from the diabetes online community.

Which makes sense…after all, we turn to one another when we deal with the literal and figurative lows of life with diabetes. So it’s perfectly logical to have faith in knowing that this will be a great November with the trusty DOC supporting me.

The Impact of Diabetes on My Relationship with Food

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There’s no cutesy lead-in to this post…I’m going with a very straightforward statement here:

Diabetes has caused me to have a very weird and strained relationship with food.

How? Oh, let me count the ways…

Diabetes has positively impacted my relationship with food because it has helped me understand the importance of nutrition. I’ve had to learn how carbohydrates, proteins, and fats affect my levels, as well as the role that the glycemic index of foods play into the picture. I’m also grateful that diabetes has caused me to realize there are limits – I can’t mindlessly eat huge quantities of food (though on occasion I do, more on that in a minute). I must measure everything out, and I believe that this forced sense of portion control has helped me maintain a (mostly) healthy weight.

But diabetes has also, absolutely, negatively impacted my relationship with food.

Here’s pretend cartoon me, being absolutely adorable as she calmly whips up a feast in the kitchen (LOL there’s so much wrong about that sentence)!!!

For starters, I can get so fed-up with having to account for every single morsel I consume in a given day – I resent having to take insulin for foods I’d otherwise find enjoyable. Plus, there’s a lot of guilt associated with my regular food consumption. “Should you eat that?” is question I hear not just from others, but from myself as I have to think about whether certain foods are worth not just the calories, but also the amount of insulin that I have to dose for it. And don’t even get me started on how literally unsavory it is to have to eat food when I’m already full but dealing with a low blood sugar…

In a word, my relationship with food is complicated…and I don’t hesitate to blame my diabetes for that. Don’t get me wrong: At the end of the day, I loooooooove food. Really, there’s very few things that I don’t (or won’t) eat or at least try. I enjoy consuming a large variety of foods and I like to eat veggies almost as much as I like eating chocolate (that may be a bit of a stretch, but I think you get my point).

It’s just unfortunate that my diabetes forces me to overthink every food choice that I make. So I’m that much more hopeful for the day which I can eat food without having to think twice about it, without having to feel guilt, shame, doubt, anger, sadness…nothing but pure enjoyment.

How Keeping Constantly Busy Helps (and Hurts) My Diabetes

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I don’t fare well when I have too much idle time.

I’m the type of person who needs to stay as busy as possible: I like being productive and having the satisfaction of saying that I’ve accomplished something each day. That doesn’t always mean that I’m successful, but I do my damnedest to make sure that I check off at least one item from my to-do list on a daily basis.

And I don’t like saying “no” to others, so whenever someone asks for my help, I’m on it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a family member, close friend, or an acquaintance – I do what I can when I’m called on for help, and as you might be able to imagine, this is both good and bad for me.

How Keeping Constantly Busy Helps (and Hurts) My Diabetes
Who DOESN’T love the satisfying feeling of checking items off from a to-do list?!

In terms of diabetes management, it’s great because when I am particularly busy, this means that I’m probably not sitting around a whole lot – the constant go-go-go makes my blood sugars pretty happy. Plus, having a packed schedule keeps my mind occupied when I need to think about something – anything, really – other than my diabetes. If I’m having a tough diabetes day, I don’t have to dwell on it; instead, I have tasks X, Y, and Z to do. If I’m waiting for a stubborn high blood sugar to come back down, then I can start working on a project rather than stare at my CGM for the next hour. 

So in this way, keeping myself busy is a fabulous way to take my attention away from diabetes when I desperately need the mental break from it…but it’s also harmful at times, because let’s face it, there are many times in life where I really do need to concentrate on my diabetes care and management.

Whether it’s a big or small task that I’m working on, I put 110% of myself into it, which means that I really don’t have extra thinking room for my diabetes. Some examples of times that I’ve been far too lost in what I was doing to give diabetes a second thought are when I’ve been in the middle of a knitting project and my Dexcom is went off but I actively ignored it in order to keep my focus on whatever row I was working on (and my blood sugar stayed higher for longer than it should have), or when I should’ve taken a break from writing social media posts for my friend to eat something because my blood sugar needed it, but I just wanted to finish the job first.

Now that I’ve figured out how my diabetes is helped and hurt by my jam-packed days, will I continue to stay constantly busy? The answer is definitely. But I will also try to remember the importance of balance in order to keep my diabetes at the forefront of my mind in a healthy manner.

Hugging the Cactus Turns Three!

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On October 2, 2017, I publicly shared this blog for the very first time.

Oh, how much has changed in three years…

…heck, a lot’s changed in the last year alone!

Forget everything that’s been going on with the world since 2020 began – that would be a very depressing laundry list – I’ve personally experienced so much change in the last 10 months that it makes me dizzy when I stop to really process it all…but here’s a quick glimpse at the life transitions I’ve dealt with throughout the year (some of which I’m keeping deliberately vague because they’re painful to write about):

  • Made a major move
  • Mourned the hardest loss of my life
  • Said goodbye to a physical office location for my job
  • Dealt with depression and anxiety
  • Made the biggest purchase of my life so far

Yeah, it’s been quite a year so far. Not just for me, though: It’s been a doozy for all of us. I guess we can take mild comfort in the fact that we’ve all struggled together.

But on a more positive note, in this year of enormous, earth-shaking change, I’ve had a constant in this blog and the diabetes community.

Seems like I was anxiously anticipating the launch of my blog just yesterday…hard to believe it’s been 1,095 days.

I’ve taken solace in blogging and sharing stories three times each week. I’ve enjoyed seeing comments from regular and new readers alike. I’ve relied on the consistency of the diabetes community: its strength, knowledge, resilience, and of course, support.

So as Hugging the Cactus celebrates its third birthday, I remain grateful for its existence as my platform to connect with others, make new discoveries about my diabetes, and learn from it all in order to live the healthiest and happiest life possible.

Happy 3rd birthday, Hugging the Cactus!

A Day of Remembrance

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Today, I am taking a step back from diabetes and this blog and remembering what happened on this day in 2001.

Today, I am thinking of the victims, survivors, and all of their families.

Today, I recognize and honor the individuals who bravely risked and lost their lives for our safety.

Today, I am thankful for first responders like my dad: a firefighter who shows up to work each day to selflessly fulfill his sworn duty to the citizens of my hometown, who helps perfect strangers and friends alike when they need it most.

Today, I also remember how people around the world came together in solidarity in the aftermath of the attacks. I remain hopeful that it can happen again, as our damaged country desperately needs a little more love, light, and unity.

Today, I remember.

Can Certain Sites Trigger More Insulin Pump Failures_ (1)
Today, I remember.

T1International Releases Important Statement on #insulin4all

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This was originally published on the T1International blog on August 21, 2020. I am sharing it here today because it is incredibly important to me that you, readers of this blog, and the entire diabetes online community collectively understand how serious this matter is to me. I firmly believe that there is no place for bullying, hate speech, or disrespect in any type of interaction, regardless of when or where it takes place. It truly sickens me to think that anyone has tainted this hashtag with ugly personal attacks and I implore anyone using this hashtag to use it with the utmost respect and kindness – anyone who chooses not to do so diminishes the message behind this movement and harms the diabetes community as a whole. As for myself, I can promise you that as both the creator/writer behind Hugging the Cactus and as a T1International digital advocate, you can always expect me to interact with others in an open-minded, respectful, compassionate manner, no matter what.

T1International Statement on #insulin4all

T1International has been made aware of a recent increase in hateful speech, as well as disrespectful and non-collaborative behavior on the #insulin4all hashtag. While hashtags cannot be owned by anyone, T1International’s global work is tied to #insulin4all. As one of the creators of the hashtag, we want to acknowledge our concerns over these issues and set clear lines about what we stand for as an organization, and what we do not. We do not stand for or tolerate bullying, hate speech, abusive language, or words or actions that are intended to demoralize others.

The History of #insulin4all
The #insulin4all campaign was launched in the lead up to World Diabetes Day in 2014 by T1International and other organizations. Although World Diabetes Day began in 1991 in order to “draw attention to issues of paramount importance to the diabetes world”, the organizations felt that the true spirit of the day had been lost. The campaign was an effort to emphasize that people living with diabetes struggle to survive or face extreme difficulties because they cannot afford or access their life-saving insulin, blood glucose test strips, or basic healthcare. Others are caught in conflict or living in countries where there is little humanitarian assistance for people with diabetes. Many suffer complications and premature death without affordable or sustainable access.

The #insulin4all hashtag caught on quickly, and, in many ways it took on a life of its own. Advocates across the globe use the hashtag on various online platforms and in-person as a rallying cry to support their efforts to improve the lives of people with diabetes.

T1International’s #insulin4all Chapters
T1International’s USA Chapters and some of our Global Chapters have #insulin4all in their names, which reflects the grassroots nature of the movement and the volunteer efforts, though the Chapters are supported by the T1International Team. All Chapter Leaders and Leads sign an agreement to abide by our policies and values. Through this agreement, they are specifically required to act in a way that is respectful and that represents T1International in a professional manner, honouring T1International’s values and upholding the charity’s reputation. Chapter Leaders and Leads are also provided with guidance and tools for engaging in-person and digitally in ways that reflect the respectful, inclusive, and intersectional movement that we are collectively building.

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What #insulin4all Means to T1International
T1International sees #insulin4all as a community-led effort that is not solely focused on one person, entity, or country, but is a collaborative effort to bring equality to all people living with diabetes. This involves not only a fight for equality through affordable access to insulin, supplies and healthcare, but equity and inclusion when it comes to people with all types of diabetes, from all socioeconomic backgrounds, races and ethnicities, gender identities, countries of origin, and more. There is a lot of work to be done, and we believe in doing that work together wherever possible. We believe in doing it respectfully, transparently, and in a way that upholds our values.

The #insulin4all movement has built significant power, and there is a great need to use that power responsibly to advance the cause. When that collective power is focused on those responsible for the problem that have the power to fix it – that means Eli Lilly, Novo Nordisk, and Sanofi, along with other actors that want to profit on insulin even if it means people die because of its price – it is unifying for the community, and serves as a force for driving change.

When that power is focused on people who aren’t in a position to make change themselves as individuals – and especially when that focus intersects with other sources of power like white privilege, economic privilege, hetero/cis privilege, and other types of privilege – it ends up being a source of division and moves us further from our end goal of affordable insulin. Holding the Big Three and their executives accountable is categorically different from attacking individuals who aren’t in positions of power.

What #insulin4all Does Not Mean to T1International
As a small team of staff that are deeply committed to the values outlined, it pains us to see the hashtag and, thus, the affiliation with T1International’s name being used in harmful ways. It is worth reiterating: we do not stand for or tolerate bullying, hate speech, abusive language, or words or actions that are intended to demoralize others. Using the #insulin4all hashtag to attack people of color, members of the LGBTQ+ community, any marginalized group – or any person or group for that matter – is actively harmful to the movement. We do not believe in meeting problematic behavior with problematic behavior. We believe in calling out unhealthy or damaging behaviors – like the pharmaceutical industry’s price-gouging – in ways that are bold and that ignite change to improve the lives of patients, but are not vicious.

We hope that the #insulin4all community, and whatever it means to each member of that community, can come together over the shared aim of improving the lives of people with diabetes, starting with making insulin affordable and accessible to everyone who needs it. As the fight continues, we ask that our volunteers and supporters approach these issues with the same outstanding passion and commitment we see every day, while being open-minded and respectful in their approach.

Happy Birthday to My Brother!

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Today’s blog post is taking a personal turn because I’m using it to wish an extra-special birthday to my big brother!

It’s a milestone birthday – let’s call it age 29.999999 – and as such, I wish that I could celebrate it with my brother in person. But seeing as he lives about a thousand miles away from me (no exaggeration), coupled with the fact that travel isn’t exactly something that I personally feel is a smart idea right now, we’ll have to settle for a virtual celebration at the moment.

Happy Birthday to My Brother
A sunshine-y birthday graphic for the kind of guy that is FAR from dull!

So before I continue with this birthday post, one thing you should know about my brother is that he’s just about the polar opposite of me in every sense of the word – I’m 5’3, he’s over 6 feet tall. I have blue eyes, blonde-ish hair, and fair coloring, whereas he has brown eyes and hair, and a much tanner complexion. And I choose to share my life pretty freely on the Internet (case in point: this blog), but he’s much more private in comparison. (As a result, my bro shall be known as “my brother” to help maintain his privacy.)

And now to tie everything together a bit – this blog about diabetes, this post for my brother, and my relationship with him – another thing you should know is that I don’t have a single memory in my lifetime of my brother treating me differently because of my diabetes.

I’ve never heard him complaining about living with two T1D women (my mom and I), not once.

I’ve never felt judged by him for any choices I’ve ever made about my diabetes.

I feel like he may be the only person that I’ve ever met (and possibly will ever meet) who is completely, 100% impartial to my diabetes…and that’s really cool to me, for a bunch of reasons. But mainly because I think he realizes that I have plenty of other sources in my life that will judge me, treat me differently, or react in some way to one or more facets of my life with diabetes, so he just stays out of it.

I’m thankful for that.

One final thing you should know about my brother (besides today being his birthday, how different he is from me, and how nonchalant he is about my diabetes) is that he’s pretty effing fearless – he goes beyond being chill about my diabetes, he is chill about errrrrythang. He moved to a brand-new state, met all sorts of new people, found a nice living situation, started a new job, and oh, he also got into the best shape of his damn life and has officially run a marathon and become a certified personal trainer, all in the last three years. And he’s acted borderline blasé about all of his achievements. Like, WTF!!! In contrast to my high-stress, always-anxious, and wound-up-tight self, he’s the coolest cucumber and I hope that he knows I’m proud of him and can’t wait to see what he does next.

Happy birthday, bro – please don’t be mad at me for telling the world (okay, the 7 people who read this blog) about how awesome you are.

The Dog Days of Summer…with Diabetes

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August is just ’round the corner (!!!) and that…feeling is creeping up on me.

That uncomfortable feeling that’s intensified by hot and humid weather.

That annoying feeling that happens when my CGM sensors and insulin pods seem to fall off my body and wither in the summer heat – the adhesives are no match for the sun’s merciless rays.

That restless feeling that creeps up when it’s too damn muggy out for my daily afternoon walks…the walks I rely on to help regulate my blood sugars and my mental health.

That fed-up feeling that’s the result of me going outside for 15 minutes, hoping to get some fresh air, only for my blood sugar to drop rapidly thanks to the high temps.

That creeping feeling of needing some kind of relief: Relief from the hottest days of summer and from every facet of diabetes management becoming just a bit more complicated because of it.

The Dog Days of Summer...with Diabetes
Is this the picture associated with this post just because I wanted to show off my dog being cute on a boat? No! Never! Absolutely not…okay fine yes.

And now that I’m acknowledging how much I’m craving relief, it honestly just sounds like I’m going through some genuine diabetes burnout.

It’s not surprising: This year’s been a wild one for me (and let’s face it, the world) in multiple ways. Overall, my stress and anxiety levels are up and my motivation to do everything that I “should” do to manage my blood sugar levels is way down. I’m very aware of what’s good about my diabetes management lately (such as my daily exercise routines) and what’s maybe not so good (my constant desire to snack on carbs and not measure them out and/or bolus for them).

I’m hopeful, though: Maybe as I continue to cope with my seesawing emotions and blood sugars, they’ll find a way to balance out on their own and be a little less intense…just as the weather will become once Autumn rolls around.