I have a confession to make: I’m a bit of a perfectionist. I know that perfectionism can be my own worst enemy and hinder me from accomplishing goals, but it’s just the way I am in some situations – particularly, with my own diabetes.
My diabetes perfectionism means that there is very little room for error when it comes to dosing insulin properly for the foods that I eat. Like many people with diabetes, I strive to bolus as accurately as possible to ensure better blood sugar outcomes, but I don’t always succeed at this.
That’s why I try to reduce the amount of possible error by being very specific about the number of carbs I consume at mealtimes. In fact, I have a self-imposed carbohydrate limit of about 60 grams of carbs per meal. I don’t know where this number came from, and I definitely exceed that from time to time, but for some reason I never input a number greater than 60 carbs into my PDM even when I know I’m probably eating more carbohydrates than that.
This is because of my fear of the room for error, and the potential consequence being a severe hypoglycemic event.
In other words, even when I may be exceeding my “comfort carb count”, I know that the room for error grows with the amount of carbs that I consume. More carbohydrates = more insulin = a greater room for error, something that freaks me out and that I attempt to control by only bolusing for what I feel is an agreeable amount. I’ve written about this phenomenon of mine before and my desire to get over it, but as I continue to work through it, I think it can only be done if I change my thinking about the margin of error that I’m willing to tolerate.
This is where it all comes full circle and I begin to understand how perfectionism, the room for error, and my diabetes management all play off one another…which is to say, they don’t fare well together whatsoever. Because my room for error is low, I don’t dose correctly for some meals, which drives my inner perfectionist crazy because it’s at conflict with my inner scaredy-cat who’s afraid to dose the right amount because I don’t want to deal with any negative outcomes. I’m literally in conflict with myself, which is a wild thing to realize as I write this blog post, but it’s the truth and I’m glad I’m uncovering it.
It will absolutely take time, but as I begin to let go of some of my perfectionist tendencies, I’d like to learn how to also usher in a greater comfortability with the room for error. I’m looking forward to exploring this and hope that I can reconcile the two so me and my diabetes can live in better harmony.