emotional – Page 2 – Hugging the Cactus

One Monday per month, I’ll take a trip down memory lane and reflect on how much my diabetes thoughts, feelings, and experiences have unfolded over the years. Today, I remember…

…when my alleged “best friend” picked on me for having diabetes. It sucked.

Let me recount this tale by saying first that this was many years ago – I think it was in third or fourth grade. Since my grade school days, I’ve made much smarter choices when it comes to my social circles.

But back then, I didn’t really know any better. I just wanted to be friendly with everyone.

I digress…

Back in elementary school, we were awarded fitness “medals” for being able to complete a series of exercises in physical education. These medals were really just flimsy little patches that you could sew on to a backpack, but nevertheless, I wanted one very badly. But no matter how hard I tried in gym, I just couldn’t complete as many reps as it took to earn a medal. I was always just shy of the threshold, much to my frustration.

I’ll never forget when my “best friend” told me that there was a very obvious reason as to why I couldn’t, and would never, earn a medal:

It’s because she has diabetes, she can’t do anything right with that!

In that moment in time, I was too dumbstruck by the stupidity of that comment to tell her that she was wrong. I was also incredibly hurt by her words, and they haunted me for many years after they were so callously said to my face.

My Lilly medal means more to me now than a stupid grade-school medal ever could.

Now, as an adult reflecting on it, I wish I had told her that diabetes could never stop me from doing anything. I wish I told her that she was in the wrong for saying what she said, and I wish that she could see all that I’ve accomplished over the years in spite of my diabetes.

But most of all? I wish I could thank her for that comment – because as mean as it was, it gave me something to think about on the days when I just want to quit because of diabetes. Her words serve as a reminder to me that I can and will succeed at anything I set my mind to, diabetes and all.

Last week, I wrote about some anxiety that I was feeling the day before I was due to see my endocrinologist. Now that the appointment has come and gone, I feel like I understand the reasons why I was so nervous…

Reason #1: Some part of me must’ve known that my A1c has gone up over the course of the last three months – it rose half a point, much to my dismay. I confessed to my doctor that I’ve been a little careless, particularly in the last month or so, when it comes to carb counting and healthy eating. Luckily, she wasn’t critical of me, but I almost wish that she’d reprimanded me in some way. It would’ve been the talking-to that I felt I deserved.
Reason #2: My endo permanently switched locations: She’s now based at the medical center that I used to go to when I was seeing a pediatric endocrinologist. I hadn’t been back there in about eight years, and boy, it brought back some unexpected emotions. I must admit that I had to hold back tears as I walked into the building. I don’t know why all the feelings hit me so hard, but I suspect that it might have been because of the flood of memories that flowed through my mind. It also symbolized the journey I’ve been on in just the last eight years of life with diabetes, in which I:
- Transitioned from injections to a pump.
- Stopped using Lantus.
- Started using a Dexcom.
- Improved my A1c/overall health significantly.
- Decided to become a more active member in the diabetes community.

Those are some major changes, and the magnitude of them practically knocks me out as I think about the last 20 years I’ve had with diabetes.

321BFD12-49FF-4818-9804-EB280EAAE830 — Just making some awkward faces while I wait for my doctor. Also, I love that the exam room has a full-length mirror in it: It’s perfect for taking pictures/killing time while I wait!

Reason #3: I was meeting all sorts of new people, which is very nerve-wracking to an introverted extrovert like myself. I was used to the receptionists and nurses at the old location. I got to know them and vice versa. It made going to appointments a little easier. At this new/old location, though, I don’t know a soul except for my doctor. A reassuring smile or light conversation would’ve placated me on this visit, but perhaps those things will come in time.

Anyways, now that I’ve had time to think about the emotional aspects of this appointment…I’m going to switch gears and start doing the things that I need to do and that I am capable of doing in order to get my A1c back to where I want it. I know that I’ll get there. As my appointment wrapped up, I looked my endocrinologist in the eyes and promised her that the next time she saw me, I’d be down more than half a point. And I intend to fulfill that promise.