It’s Not Called Cryabetes

C’mon, Molly. Get it together. It’s not called cryabetes. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, giving myself an internal pep talk to keep the tears from flowing down my cheeks. I felt a little uneasy on my feet, so holding a steady gaze proved to be challenging after a few moments.

Why was I on the verge of an emotional breakdown? It was all my blood sugar’s fault, of course. For about an hour, I’d been hovering in the upper 60s to lower 70s. There are far worse blood sugar ranges to fall in, but I’d been feeling the classic symptoms of a low for that entire span of time – and it was really testing my fortitude.

My self-talk was fruitless; within seconds, the first few tears escaped from my eyes. It wasn’t long before a couple tears turned into full-fledged bawling. Alarmed by my outburst, my boyfriend tried to calm me down (he was aware of my low blood sugar situation) and attempted to use humor to get the crying to stop. Very quickly, he discovered I was a bit beyond that and that it was best to just let me be sad.

I was sad because I was tired and wanted to go to bed but it didn’t feel safe for me to sleep just yet. Safe to sleep. Can you imagine not feeling safe enough to fall asleep, even in your own bed surrounded by your own blankets in your own room, with your partner nearby?

So the tears came and went because, even though I tried my damnedest, I still felt so out of control in this situation. Not knowing how long it would take my blood sugar to come back up to a level that I felt safe to sleep at, not knowing what exactly caused this predicament in the first place, and not being capable of being mentally stronger than my diabetes all in that moment in time got to the best of me.

Definitely very chronically UN-chill of me, right?

Dualitee Apparel

So sure, diabetes isn’t called cryabetes. But that doesn’t mean my emotional lapse – or any emotional lapses related to diabetes – wasn’t warranted. Crying can be healing, and in this moment in time, it was the only thing, oddly enough, that could make me feel a tiny bit better.

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Learning to be Chronically Chill

I’m not sure that I’ll ever fully be at peace with my diabetes.

I have days when I hate it a little less, sure. I even have days when it doesn’t bother me at all. But true acceptance of my diabetes? I used to think I had it…not anymore. In 22 years, there’s just been too many times that I’ve detested every aspect about life with diabetes: the painful shots/needles, the constant planning, the many doctors appointments, the countless hours of sleep lost, the amount of money that goes into caring for it…the list could go on and on.

I know, I know…this all sounds extremely negative. It’s a little unlike me. But let me tell you what, instead of forcing myself to unequivocally accept my diabetes, I’m learning how to be what I’ll call “chronically chill” with it. It’s a bit of a play on words, you see. Diabetes is considered a chronic illness (I prefer to think of it as a condition; to me, “illness” has an ickier connotation). By definition, the word chronic means long-standing or permanent, and I’ll always have diabetes. So it’s about time that I start to be chronically chill – persistently cool, relentlessly alright-fine-I-get-it-you’re-not-going-away-any-time-soon – with my diabetes.

Learning to be Chronically Chill
Me, being my chronically chillest, on the beach.

To me, this is different than accepting it. Others might disagree, which is totally fine, but I think that accepting diabetes means hugging it warmly, with open arms. I don’t want to do that. Rather, I want to get to a place where I can be just…fine with my diabetes. Just let it coexist with me. I never want it to get to the best of me, but I also don’t want it to think that it can stay with me forever. I guess it’s the optimist in me that still thinks a cure is right around the corner.

How am I going about this process of being chronically chill? I’m taking it a day at a time. I’m trying to not get bogged down so much by the small things. I’m trying (and this is super mega hard for someone like me) to come to terms with the fact that I can’t have control over everything in my life. I’m trying to focus more on things like time in range versus my A1c. I’m trying all of this at once, and I believe that it will help me achieve the chronically chill status I’ve described.

And if the process goes more slowly than I want it to, I’ll just refer to the above photo of me on the beach from time to time…because it’s hard to find a place where I’m more chill – my most serene self – than when I’m near the sand and surf.

Sugar and T1D: Friends, Not Foes

For someone who doesn’t eat sugar…. you sure do know how to bake….damn those were good

My coworker sent this to me via instant message as a way of thanking me for the cupcakes I’d brought into the office that morning. Before 11 A.M., a dozen and a half or so “butterbeer” flavored cupcakes I’d created were devoured by my coworkers, who gave rave reviews on their taste, much to the delight of this wannabe pastry chef.

This particular message of praise, though, made me simultaneously smile and cringe: It was that comment, again. The one about sugar and not being able to eat it.

Everyone in my office knows that I have type 1 diabetes. And because I make it my mission to spread awareness of how to react in certain situations that a T1D might encounter, most people I work with know that in cases of low blood sugar, fast-acting carbohydrates (i.e., sugar) are essential as they’re the fastest way to fix a low.

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Sugar saves my life from time to time…and no, that’s not an exaggeration.

But every now and then, I’m reminded that no, people don’t always remember what you tell them about diabetes. It goes to show that there’s always room for more advocacy…which is why I write about diabetes and won’t stop talking about it to those who want to know more.

As a result, I’m constantly telling people that I can and do eat sugar; in fact, it saves my life from time to time. Maybe that’s the subconscious reason why I love baking cupcakes, cookies, and more: For a girl who relies on sugar sometimes, I sure do know that a baked good every now and then is what helps me stay alive.

And the Nominee is…Me?!

Friends, I am pleased to share that I have been nominated for a WEGO Health Award. My blogging for Hugging the Cactus has qualified me to be a Patient Leader nominee for the “Best Kept Secret” award, which is very exciting to me! What’s more, if I advance to the finals round, I may be able to win a trip to Las Vegas for the HLTH conference in October. This would provide me the opportunity to be around other Patient Leaders who, I’m confident, I could learn so much from, as well as the rare chance to attend a health-focused conference based on merit rather than cost.

What exactly are the WEGO Health Awards? They were created to recognize and honor those who strive to make a difference in the online health community. In the past few days, I’ve scrolled through the growing list of nominees who are advocates for all sorts of conditions, from anemia to ulcerative colitis. It’s quite eye-opening to see just how many health topics inspire individuals to spread awareness via social media, blogs, podcasts, YouTube channels, and more. And it truly is an honor to be listed among these incredibly inspiring nominees.

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Well, this is just plain cool.

If you feel that I deserve to move on to the semi-finalist round, please follow this link to endorse my nomination. By clicking the link, you can view the other nominees and their profiles, which I strongly encourage so you can find out for yourself the sheer volume of skilled storytellers out there. Plus, you never know, you might just discover someone who you can relate to or who inspires you. After all, in a world of chronic conditions that can feel so isolating, isn’t it always a comfort to find out that you’re not alone?

 

The $2,000 Mistake

Have you ever received an email that made you stop breathing for a moment? Did it feel like time stood still as you blinked rapidly and tried to comprehend the meaning behind it?

It sounds like a dramatic overreaction, but imagine getting a notification from your pharmacy notifying you that your prescription would cost almost $2,000. That’s a big old chunk of change. The mere thought of paying that much for a supply of insulin makes my heart race and my palms sweat.

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I nearly keeled over when I saw this dollar amount.

I’m happy to report that this was a giant mistake; for whatever reason, my doctor’s office sent my prescription for Humalog to my local pharmacy, even though I explicitly told them that I use Express Scripts for my insulin orders. It was a total mix-up, and the approximately $2,000 was an amount that I would pay if I didn’t have any insurance coverage. I do, and though I’m not sure how much I’ll be paying for my insulin yet, I know that it can’t possibly cost this much.

I’m relieved that I was able to call the pharmacy and straighten this out without spending a cent of my money. But it was also a major wake-up call to a reality that many people are forced to face when it comes to refilling insulin prescriptions. It’s not fair. (That last sentence is the understatement of the century.) I can’t make any sense of it and I don’t know how many people have no choice but to fork over such a large sum of money on a monthly basis in order to live. Thoughts of those individuals and their dire situations scare me far more than navigating the world of health insurance ever could.

While I didn’t appreciate the mini heart attack this email triggered, I guess I am glad that it alerted me to the fact that I’m going to have to be aware of things like this going forward. As I figure out my health insurance costs and coverage, I anticipate more confusion, surprises, and expenses…but hopefully I can also expect/experience a pleasant discovery or two along the way.

Advocacy is not “One Size Fits All”

Not too long ago, someone told me that my blog wasn’t really a form of diabetes advocacy, a point that I strongly refuted.

Advocacy looks different to everyone, and people can be advocates in countless ways. I think it depends largely on 1) what someone is trying to advocate and 2) their personality. For instance, maybe someone is really good at fundraising and wants to raise money to donate to a particular charity. Perhaps someone thrives from advocating at the group level, whereas another person prefers to do it individually. Maybe political advocacy for a cause like diabetes is right up one person’s alley, and another person is more comfortable with using social media to raise awareness and interact with others in an environment like the diabetes online community.

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My blog is my diabetes advocacy outlet.

If you haven’t guessed it by now, my preferred way to partake in diabetes advocacy is blogging. I feel that writing down my story, whether it’s lessons I’ve learned over the years or mundane anecdotes about life with diabetes, is the form of advocacy that makes the most sense for me. It allows me to open up to a large, eclectic audience (i.e., the entire Internet) and show them what it’s like, to some degree, to live with diabetes. I keep things real in my posts and write about the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to T1D, and to me, that is advocacy.

Favorite Things Friday: Diabetes Apps

One Friday per month, I’ll write about my favorite diabetes products. These items make the cut because they’re functional, fashionable, or fun – but usually, all three at once!

Diabetes is a chronic condition that involves several different pieces of technology. Unsurprisingly, quite a few of these technological components are available via mobile apps, and some of them have become instrumental in helping me understand the patterns that my own diabetes follows. Let’s walk through the four that are mainstays on my iPhone home screen.

For starters, there’s the Dexcom CGM apps (there’s one for the G5, another for the G6). When I first downloaded the app for my G5, I marveled at how stinkin’ cool it was to be able to check my blood sugar on my phone. I spend far too much time each day playing with various apps on my phone, anyway, so it was very convenient for me to have this particular app installed.

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A screenshot from the G6 app

Dexcom also makes an app called Clarity, which happens to be something I’ve come to rely on in between appointments with my endocrinologist. That’s because Clarity links directly to my CGM and gathers data from it that creates reports for my analysis. With just a few taps, I can view information such as my time spent in range, average glucose, patterns, and risk for hypoglycemia. Even better, I can generate results for periods of time ranging from 48 hours to 90 days. The app also produces results in clean, easy-to-read charts and graphs, making it extremely easy for me to figure out how I can improve my A1c.

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A view of the Clarity app

A few years ago, I found an app called Glucagon that’s made by Eli Lilly. As you could probably tell by the name of the app, it’s all about Glucagon: namely, how to inject it. It’s an interactive experience that I like to walk myself through every now and then so I’m familiar with how to use Glucagon – because you never know if and when it could come in handy.

A more recent discovery is DiaBits. Besides having a cute name, this app provides another breakdown of blood sugar data. It has a neat feature that estimates your current A1c, as well as other predictors that indicate how rapidly your blood sugar is rising or falling. It doesn’t replace any of my tools that more accurately check my blood sugar levels; it merely is a complementary app that gives me more insight on trends and averages.

One quick visit to the Apple App Store shows me that there are tons more diabetes-related apps out there. Quite frankly, I don’t know which ones to try next! Do you have any favorites or recommendations? Leave them in the comments!