First Impressions: How I Feel About my New Endocrinologist

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Last week, I wrote about how I had an appointment with my first new endocrinologist in about 10 years. I compared my thoughts and feelings about the whole thing to a first date: Many of the same anxieties are felt in both situations.

By now, I’m sure you’re wondering…how did the date go?

Well…I don’t know that there will be another one.

Freedom is the atmosphere in which humanity thrives. Breathe it in.
This blog post serves as a bit of an endocrinologist evaluation.

Before I dive into my appointment postscript, let me just clarify that my thoughts and feelings are just that. They’re my opinions on how my experience was with this particular doctor. That doesn’t mean that she isn’t a great endocrinologist; in fact, I’m certain she is. But I just don’t think that we are doctor-patient soulmates.

For starters, the appointment got off to a weird start because none of my typical vital signs were measured upon arrival. I’m used to having my weight, blood pressure, blood sugar, temperature, and heart rate checked at the beginning of every appointment. But this time around, the only thing that was looked at was my…blood pressure? It was kind of random, and I never got an explanation as to why nothing else was looked at by the nurse, but whatever.

The actual appointment with the doctor herself mostly went as I expected it to. We spent about 20 minutes together (about 5 minutes longer than I usually get with the endo) and I told her a little bit about my diabetes history. She offered me some advice on what to do about the high blood sugars my new inhaler was causing (more on that in another post) and checked my feet as well as my thyroid, just like my previous endo did at every appointment. But she did not check my eyes, and she also…did not review my A1c with me.

This was pretty huge, though not totally unexpected. I knew this clinic didn’t have finger stick A1c machines like the previous clinic did, and that I would have to come to the lab at another point in time to get a current A1c reading. But it was surprising to me that she just glossed over it, like it wasn’t super important at that moment. She didn’t even review my Dexcom/OmniPod/Verio IQ meter graphs with me, despite having downloaded information from all three devices. However, these weren’t the most shocking parts of the appointment.

What caught me off-guard the most is when she said that I could come back in six months instead of my usual three.

In my 22 years with diabetes, I’ve gone to see my endocrinologist every three months, no matter what. Some of these appointments were more like maintenance checks to make sure I was on track with everything, but other appointments came at crucial times for me in terms of improving my diabetes management. I asked the new doc why six months instead of three, and she said something along the lines of…

“Well, it seems like you have everything under pretty good control. And you seem in-tune enough with your body to know to contact us with any questions.”

That latter statement is true, but the former…I don’t know about that. How could she have this impression after talking with me for a mere 20 minutes? It was mildly alarming. I probably could’ve pushed for another appointment in three months, but I got the distinct feeling that I would’ve been rejected had I done so. As a result, I walked out of the clinic that day with another appointment set for July and a feeling of unease settling in the pit of my stomach.

I don’t know that I can wait that long to see an endocrinologist, and I don’t even know if I’ll want to see the same person again. I have no idea how she’d be able to remember me, for goodness’ sake, especially given the brevity of our first and only meeting (so far).

Among all these unknowns, there’s one absolute truth: I miss my old endo.

Just Breathe

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Just breathe…a mantra easier said than done when each breath flows in and out smoothly, instead of in ragged, wheezing gasps.

I’m no stranger to asthma. I dealt with it throughout most of my childhood. The details are blurry on when I experienced my first asthma attack, but all I know is that it left me rasping and feeling (on top of sounding) like the cute little penguin from the Toy Story series, Wheezy.

The only thing that would keep my asthma symptoms at bay was nebulizer treatments. The nebulizer is one of those loud machines that generates vapors – albuterol medicine – that must be breathed in through a mouthpiece. I hated these treatments because they left me feeling shaky for a long time afterward and often caused high blood sugar, but it was much easier and more comfortable to breathe after them…so they were worth it.

Throughout my teenage and most of my young adult years, though, asthma slowly became a distant memory. I experienced it less frequently until it stopped altogether, and suddenly diabetes was the only thing I had to worry about. And I was glad for it.

But then…let’s fast-forward to the week leading up to Christmas. I was busy. I mean, wicked busy. I was running all over the place, jetting from one party to another, interacting with all sorts of people who were bringing germs from all over to each of these merry gatherings. I was getting run down and sleeping less due to the holiday celebrations, so really, it shouldn’t have surprised me when I felt the first tinge of a sort throat in church on Christmas Eve. But when that sore throat was soon followed by a tight chest and a whistling sound whenever I exhaled, I was taken aback – not to mention straight-up annoyed.

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The rescue inhaler that’s been my best buddy the last couple of weeks.

I treated the initial waves of wheeziness with my rescue inhaler. But when that started to be less effective over shorter and shorter lengths of time, I knew I needed to get in touch with my primary care doctor. So I did, and I met with a nurse practitioner who diagnosed me with something new: reactive airway disease. I left the office feeling shell-shocked over a new diagnosis that would mean that I would have to use a different kind of inhaler twice daily for the next two weeks.

I was afraid to start it for many reasons, but the two biggest ones were 1) I was nervous it would make my blood sugar go up and 2) it can cause thrush (also known as an oral yeast infection, which sounds positively nightmarish) if I forget to rinse my mouth out with water after each dose.

Overall, though, it doesn’t sound like too big of a deal, right? If it helps my breathing, it shouldn’t be an issue to add this inhaler into my morning and evening routines.

Silly old me, however, did turn this into a big deal. I wasted far too much time fretting over this inhaler and saying “woe is me” for having to deal with yet another medication that was extremely expensive (I paid $56.83 for the darn thing…I have no idea what the total would have been if I was uninsured).

My logical self knows that this won’t do any good. So now, I’m getting my act together and just rolling with the punches.

I’m trying to gently remind myself…just breathe.

 

Happy New Year!

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They say that hindsight is 2020…well, I say that because it is officially 2020, we’re going to be hearing a lot about that little pun in the coming days and weeks.

So today marks the beginning of a new year; more significantly, an entire decade. The last time a new decade began, I was the tender age of sixteen. Ah, how young and naive I was then. If only I knew then what I did now…!

Happy New Year!
Welcome, roaring twenties!

On a more serious note, this decade of diabetes is bound to be much different compared to my last decade of diabetes. For starters, I’m beginning this one with a whole lot more T1D tech than I had in 2010: I’ve got my Dexcom CGM and my OmniPod insulin pump. I was also still in high school ten years ago; in the last decade I graduated, earned my bachelor’s degree, and I’m now five years into my career. Oh, and I also moved out of my parents’ house for the first time. Needless to say, much has happened in the last ten years, and I can’t believe I was able to summarize the biggest changes in just a couple quick sentences.

Anyways, they do indeed say that hindsight is 2020. Vision becomes clearer and you learn lessons from the mistakes you’ve made.

For me, this blog is actually a bit of its own 2020. It serves as a record of how my thoughts and feelings toward diabetes have changed, and with that comes a bit of clarity and insight. And I like it. It helps me process my diabetes and stay in tune with the emotions that come with it. So in that regard, I think a little hindsight can be healthy, as long as I don’t dwell in what I could and should have done – only what I can and will do.

With that said, Happy New Year. I wish you all a happy, healthy, and prosperous 2020.

Why Meeting a New Endocrinologist is Scarier Than Going on a First Date

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I have an appointment with my endocrinologist today. Or should I say, the person who I hope is my new endocrinologist. I really want this patient-doctor relationship to work out!

It’s my first new endocrinologist in about ten years and I am effing nervous. It’s comparable to going out on a first date with someone, only I’m not hoping to be wooed with flowers or treated to a fancy meal.

I’m hoping that this person is someone I can trust with my health…which I value a lot more than any of the associated costs of a first date.

Why Meeting a New Endocrinologist is Scarier Than Going on a First Date
There are higher stakes with a new endocrinologist than with a new dating-app match.

Why is this new doctor terrifying to me? For starters, I have so many questions. What if she doesn’t like me? What if I don’t like her? What if she judges me? What if she’s too lenient? What if…? The list goes on and on.

Plus, I’m seeing her after smack dab in the middle of holiday celebrations, also known as the most turbulent time of the year for me and my blood sugars. I’ve had so many highs in the last month that I’ve tried to stay on top of, but she’s bound to notice them and ask me if this is a regular thing for me. It’s also pretty likely that my weight has gone up as a result of the many indulgences I’ve enjoyed in the last few weeks, and I’m worried about whether comments will be made on that.

Not to mention that I haven’t seen an endocrinologist since…late August, I think? And that appointment was with my “old” doctor, who left to practice somewhere far, far away. It was a bittersweet parting, and it wasn’t on amicable terms because neither of us was ready for it to be over. So I’m heading into a new potential endocrinologist relationship with that in my mind, and my new doctor has a lot to live up to when compared with my old doctor.

I just want everything to go well. I know that if it’s not a perfect fit, it’ll be pretty evident straightaway, and I can seek another new endocrinologist. But to continue with the dating metaphor, it’s not as easy as just swiping along and seeing what other nearby options I have. There are other concerns beyond location: I need to make sure my doctor can accept my insurance, on top of them being likable, knowledgable, and eager to help me manage my diabetes. It might be surprising to learn that this particular combination is a tall order, but again, when it comes to my health I refuse to just settle.

Fingers crossed, it’s a match from the start and all of my concerns will be rendered invalid late this afternoon at the conclusion of my appointment…

 

The Emotions of a Low Blood Sugar

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This post was originally published on Hugging the Cactus on October 8, 2018. I decided to re-up it today because I think we could all use a little reminder that diabetes is different for everyone. Remember…your diabetes may (almost always will) vary.

Previously, I’ve written about what it feels like to have low blood sugar. While many people with T1D feel the same symptoms as me when they experience a low, there are even more who experience a wider variety of emotions and sensations.

Renza, a T1D Twitter friend of mine, did a little investigating into how others would describe what it’s like to have a low blood sugar. She sent a tweet that read:

friends. I’m crowdsourcing (again). If you had to use ONE WORD to describe how hypos/lows feel to you, what would it be. Go!! #Hypoglycaemia

She received nearly 100 responses, which I’ve compiled into the below graphic.

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Looking at this word collage is a bit startling because it represents the vast array of feelings associated with low blood sugar. Most of them are negative. A handful of them start with the prefix “dis”, which describes something with an opposing force. A couple of them relate to feelings associated with eating. And just about all of them can be summed up as sensations that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

To me, this graphic serves as a stark reminder that diabetes is more than just a chronic illness that affects the body: It affects the mind, too.

Merry Christmas!!!

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Dear Reader,

Merry Christmas (and if you do not celebrate, happy holidays)! I am taking today (as well as Friday) off from blogging in order to give myself a much-needed break – though I will republish an old blog post on Friday, just to keep pace with things. I’ll return with fresh content on Monday, December 30th.

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This silly, seasonal GIF of me is too funny (and appropriate) to not use today – and all throughout the holiday season as my blog’s banner.

Until then, here is a friendly reminder to be kind to yourself. I understand that this is not the most wonderful time of the year for everyone, and no matter how you feel about it, know that it’s okay – I hear you. Don’t beat yourself up over your blood sugars. Forgive yourself and look for the bright side when things don’t go your way. And whether you do or do not have diabetes, it’s important that you know that I genuinely appreciate you for visiting this blog and that I wish you nothing but the best today, and every day.

Warmly,

Molly

My 22nd Diaversary

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Tomorrow is Christmas Eve (already) and it just so happens that it’s also my diabetes diagnosis anniversary…or “diaversary,” as it’s colloquially known.

This means that tomorrow marks 22 years of living with diabetes.

For some, that might mean I should celebrate with a cupcake or another special, carb-y treat. And I probably will, because it’s Christmas Eve and sweets are sure to be bountiful at any gatherings I attend tomorrow. But I don’t really plan to do so with my diaversary in mind; for me, it’s the holiday that’s got me in a more festive mood than the fact that my diabetes is 22.

I don’t really know how to feel about this diaversary. My feelings last year about my 21st were very clear: I was down in the dumps about it. I was desperate for a break. And I really didn’t say much more beyond that.

Hey Christina,.png
If you were me, would you do anything special to celebrate 22 years of diabetes?

This year is a little different. I feel the same as last year in that I would do anything for just a single day off from diabetes, but also…I guess I’ve just learned to embrace the routine of it?

I dunno. My relationship with diabetes is always going to be a bit of a roller coaster, just as my blood sugar can sometimes be. I’ll have my highs and my lows, and in between all that…is how I feel now. It exists. It’s just…there. It’s been part of me for 22 years and it will continue to be a part of me as we head into this next decade. (Where’s that cure they’ve been promising us…oh, it’s another 5 years from now, right?)

So my diabetes is 22 and I’m feeling “meh” about it. And that’s perfectly okay. I won’t deny my feelings (or lack thereof). I’ll simply just continue to live my life with diabetes, learning from both the literal and figurative highs and lows as I go along.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, dear readers. Be well, hug your loved ones, and enjoy the spirit of the season.

It’s the Most Bolus-Worthy Time of the Year

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It wouldn’t be the Christmas season if I didn’t attempt to rewrite a classic Christmas carol…

I apologize in advance for the cheesiness of this “new” tune, but I was thinking about how there are just so many parties, gatherings, and opportunities to eat absolute junk food this time of year. But even though I’m feeling pretty disgusting by the time January rolls around, I don’t regret it because I love everything about this season…so you might say that I think it’s worth every extra unit of insulin I have to take to cover the food I eat, making it the most “bolus-worthy” time of the year.

So naturally, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” was the perfect song to redo for this blog post.

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Please sing along to this blog post in your best Andy Williams voice!

I sprinkled in references about questions that people with diabetes commonly get, as well…because with all the time that’s spent with family and loved ones, they’re bound to come up again just as they do year after year.

Without further ado, here is my rendition of the song…please feel free to read (sing!) along to the tune of the original – it makes it so much more fun, trust me!

It’s the Most Bolus-Worthy Time of the Year

It’s the most bolus-worthy time of the year
With the Dexcom CGMs yelling
And everyone telling you “what’s that I hear?”
It’s the most bolus-worthy time of the year

It’s the ca-carb-iest season of all
With those holiday sweets
And so many treats when friends come to call
It’s the ca-carb-iest season of all

There’ll be parties for pumping
Temp basals a-bumping
And answering the same old,
There’ll be “can you eat that?”
And all that chit-chat
You can’t help that your eyes rolled

It’s the most bolus-worthy time of the year
There’ll be so much indulging
And insulin will be flowing when goodies are near
It’s the most bolus-worthy time of the year

There’ll be blood sugar for checking
Marshmallows for correcting
And sensors and sites to change
There’ll be silly relatives’ questions
And answers in your irate expressions
They should know by now ‘betes isn’t so strange

It’s the most bolus-worthy time of the year
There’ll be so much indulging
And insulin will be flowing when goodies are near
It’s the most bolus-worthy time
It’s the most bolus-worthy time
It’s the most bolus-worthy time
It’s the most bolus-worthy time of the year!

My Diabetes Turned Me Into a Control Freak

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I am the type of person who always has “a plan”.

On second thought, that may be an understatement. I’m the type of person who always NEEDS TO HAVE a plan.

I always need to know the date, time, location, and what to expect during my length of stay when it comes to anything in life: a night out with friends, a quick trip to the grocery store, a vacation.

I always need to know what the plan is for dinner…and breakfast, and lunch, and snacks…every single day.

I always need to know what my options are should a plan not go according to my carefully thought out course of action; in other words, I take a great deal of comfort in having a Plan B…and a Plan C, Plan D…

The bottom line is, I think that my obsession with planning has a lot to do with how my diabetes has turned me into an absolute control freak over the years.

Weekend Sale
My diabetes is the reason why, for much of my life, I’ve felt like I needed to plan out everything that I do.

Let me explain: Try as I might, I will never have complete control over my diabetes. This has been a difficult reality for me to accept, but it’s the truth, and I know that nobody can ever truly control diabetes. It has a mind of its own sometimes, and the best that we can do is react accordingly to the curve balls it throws.

Since I won’t ever have control over this major, major thing in my life, I think this has triggered me to feel compelled to control everything else in my life…even things beyond my control. And yes, it’s as maddening as it sounds.

It affects myself and everyone close to me.

It is the reason why I worry so much and waste a lot of brain space on things that I shouldn’t.

And it’s something that, though I’ve come to terms with it, I would like to change because the rational part of me knows that it’s not healthy to maintain the unrealistic expectation that I can control everything that happens in my life. If I can accept things like random pod failures and unexplained high blood sugars, then shouldn’t I also be able to accept that other random things can just happen in life, such as a pipe bursting in my apartment or the car I’m driving getting a sudden flat tire?

The more rigid version of myself that existed a year ago would’ve absolutely panicked and melted down in the face of those scenarios, but the type of person I’m trying to be now actually recently handled both of those unpredictable events with a lot more coolness and calmness than I ever could have imagined.

So I guess what I’m getting at here, in a very long-winded way, is that my diabetes may have turned me into an obsessive planner control freak…but I’m just beginning to discover my ability to let go a little more and not let my diabetes affect my thinking and reactions to many other things that happen in life.

My New Low-Carb Obsession

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The whole freakin’ Internet knows how much I love carbs (as documented in a previous blog post). But that doesn’t mean that I don’t try to eat low or lower carb from time to time, especially when I find a recipe that sounds appealing.

So when I heard about “chaffles” a few months ago, I was intrigued.

The word “chaffle” is actually a portmanteau: It combines “cheese” with “waffle”. I love both of those things, but I was kind of confused as to how they could come together to create something that tasted good. After all, waffles are usually sweet, and cheese is savory…but then again, I’ve tried stranger combinations, so why not give chaffles a chance?

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Who would’ve thought that cheese and egg smooshed together by a waffle iron could taste so dang good?

Not too long ago, I broke out my mini waffle maker (best ten bucks I ever spent) to whip up my first batch of chaffles. The recipe was laughably easy. All I had to do was combine half a cup of shredded cheese (I went with mozzarella) with one large egg. And that was it! These are two ingredients that I have on hand almost always, so I was very pleased that the recipe didn’t require anything special. But then again, it’s the kind of recipe that’s just begging to be tweaked, added to, and played with according to taste and craving – more on that later.

I mixed my ingredients and added a spoonful of coconut flour (a little research online taught me that adding it in would yield in a more waffle-like texture, and I happened to have some on hand). Within a few minutes, I’d made two chaffles and was eager to try them. I’d also read online that people eat these with syrup, just like normal waffles, but I decided to try them plain.

I was wowed from my first bite – somehow, the cheese-egg-coconut flour mixture really did taste like waffles. I didn’t really care about the how or why behind it: All I knew was that I was a big, big fan of chaffles.

I’ve made them several times since, and I see no end in sight to my love for chaffles. How could I not enjoy something that’s actually satisfying (I couldn’t believe how full I felt after eating two), doesn’t annihilate my blood sugar, and is so stupidly simple to make? It’s also the perfect recipe to play around with – I can add a splash of vanilla and a dash of cinnamon to make them sweeter, a bit of garlic powder, marinara sauce, and pepperoni to make personal chaffle pizzas, or I can use chaffles to replace bread for a sandwich. The possibilities are endless, and I’m a sucker for versatility.

The funny thing is that chaffles have apparently been lauded by the keto community for many months now…they’ve basically been the biggest food trend since staples like impossible burgers and celery juice. While I’m far from a “keto person”, I do appreciate the different experiments with food that stem from that diet choice and will happily incorporate any winning recipes into my regular lineup. As for chaffles, they get a giant thumbs-up from me and will be appearing on my plate for a long time to come.