“I’m just…tired. Maybe I’ve been going through burnout these last couple of months and I didn’t even realize it until just now,” I said, sinking back into my chair.
I was at a virtual appointment with my therapist when I uttered these words, surprising myself because the thought that I’ve been experiencing burnout hadn’t occurred to me previously. But the moment I said it out loud, I knew it was true.
It just makes sense. It explains some of my more turbulent blood sugar levels as of late. It explains my frustration, lack of interest, and utter annoyance that I feel every time I check my blood sugar levels or calculate carbohydrates for yet another dose of insulin. And it definitely explains why yes, I have indeed been tired lately – more often than I’d like to admit, I’ve had to get up in the middle of the night to treat a low or correct a high, so naturally, my sleep is presently fitful at best.
I guess I didn’t connect the dots right away because I was in denial. I still talk about my diabetes all the time. I’m still able to show up and perform at my full-time job at a diabetes non-profit. I still take insulin for all of my meals, just maybe not the right amounts all the time. So because I was “still doing” all the normal aspects of my diabetes management routine, I assumed that I wouldn’t fall victim to another round of burnout.
But this is when I remind myself that burnout doesn’t always look the same. Burnout can mean wanting/choosing not to take insulin, paying less attention to blood sugars (if any at all), feeling cranky about all things related to diabetes, or even being depressed or flat-out tired when just thinking about diabetes. And there’s probably other ways that burnout can manifest itself that I haven’t even experienced yet, even though I’ve lived with diabetes for 24 years.
With that last point in mind, in particular – the length of time I’ve lived with diabetes – it’s no damn wonder that I’m tired. And it’s okay for me to feel this way. I’ll just ride the burnout wave as long as it happens to last this time around, and check in with myself (and absolutely my therapist) as often as needed.